In life, there are times when words simply cannot express the true emotion one feels. It is usually when you have overwhelming happiness (marriage, childbirth) or deep sorrow (death). My father passed away 16 years ago - around Thanksgiving.
Since that time, I just haven't been able to embrace Thanksgiving with the huge meals, large family gatherings and all that it brings. Instead, my little portion of the family made the best out of it that we could - usually late mornings in PJs, followed by back to back movies at the cinema and some really bad movie theater hot dogs. But we truly loved that day and those weird traditions we were creating.
A few years ago, my mom decided we (my fam and the brother's fam) needed to come to her house for Thanksgiving. And we did. And it was awkward as we are very independent families that have very busy lives and well....awkward. But fun. I love my brother and MIL and the niece & nephew. They are awesome!
This year, we had to head to Tulsa the weekend before Thanksgiving as one of our nephews was coming home from serving in Afghanistan (marines) and it was a very big deal (75 people at the airport - big deal). But we were home by Thanksgiving day and went back to our typical low key movie based day. And loved it.
Back to the point, it is because of the passing of my dad that holidays look different for me. I suspect for anyone who has lost a parent or a child, holidays are hard/different/awkward/nonexistent. I was thinking that I had made it through this year relatively Unscaved (sometimes I battle a deep depression around this time) until I checked my phone after my 6 mile run.
One of my "kids" (really, he's not a kid - he graduates from college this year) dad passed away this morning. Not sure why, he just "simply didn't wake up". It was one of those texts and messages (I also had a few voicemails) that makes you sit down and become silent. You try to find words so when you "make the call" you are able to give comfort. And you realize, you don't have any.
All the belief in God doesn't even give me words. Comfort, yes. But words, no. All I could muster was "so sorry, 143, I've been there so we can talk". Little solace for a breaking heart.
And all day, my heart has broken for my dear friend (who was once a camper, but is now more like a son). Funny, when you see this guy, one thinks of Goliath - no really. Goliath. Amazing how no matter what size you are, the passing of loved one can reduce you to that of a small child.
I pray for him. I pray for him without ceasing today ( and will continue to for the days to come) because I know some of the thoughts that are going through his head, and I can imagine the others. Because as the daughter, I didn't necessarily have to worry about "becoming the man" in the family and other "guy things".
This afternoon, we watching the Kona Ironman - an event that I am in awe of - and I cried through the whole thing. Mostly because of the loss my friend is experiencing, and partly because of the awesome athletes and their desire to overcome the challenge. One woman was running who had been battling cancer. As she crossed the finish line, the announcer said "her family doesn't know how many christmas's they have left, but they certainly have this moment to celebrate".
I think it is important that we celebrate everyday, the time we have together.
It reminds me that during this holiday season, it is not about gifts, holiday parties, weight gain, and other silly nonsense, but that it is about love and those that are around you. That you better appreciate the time you have with the ones you love, because nothing is guaranteed.
So while this year, I will still try to help Santa fill the list for my kids, I will hug them harder and longer and pray for them harder and longer then I have before.
Embrace and love the ones you have in your life.
